Listen, I know this may come across as pretentious, it is. You'd be surprised by how much you can tell about a person by checking out their "surfing Shroom".
What I really mean is, are you carrying protection? Protection from the judgey moms that will be littering your spiritual homeland with sideways glances and "hmm" looks that could really tear your family apart. You know what? If you aren't strong, they WILL do it, so I want to make sure you know the style of your brew so you can stand behind it.
"All the ways we can judge you based on your Scoby care- the new way to judge."
It come down to 3 basic groups.
1- The Abstainers
You will find this group of people voraciously defending all things organic, and judging the other women in their mommy group for not feeding their kids" grass fed everything". But, it would not be surprising to happen upon them in a dark corner of your local Taco Bell double fisting their feelings of inadequacy. They might preach the benefits of the booch, but it's all for show, and it's a trap. A social trap. Don't believe anything they say. Studies show, they are most likely a pathological liars. It's a scientific fact. Google it.
2- The unkempt masses.
This group of human is the laziest of the bunch, but they have the most "heart".(You'd think the Abstainers would be the laziest, but YOU are lazy for thinking that. THINK, MAN! )
These are the lovably unwashed, who would offer you a bottle of their home brew and you would instinctively freeze, mouth hanging, eyes wide, mind RACING. YOU KNOW THEIR KOMBUCHA TASTES LIKE HE LOOKS.
Odds are, their Scoby sits, unattended, for months on end, somehow surviving on what little "food" this filthy hippy gave it weeks ago. Probably using left over beer from who knows whose mouth instead of clean, pure, sanitary,glacial stream water, like you are supposed to. When he finally gets around to straining the water off of the "mother", he can't find his colander....and he'll never tell you what he used instead. The bottles he fills are left over from a party he had 2 months ago and there is a good chance there where cigarette butts haphazardly dumped out of them seconds before he refilled it.
Moral of this story is-He tries. He really does. But, we still won't drink his home made brand of bacteria ridden beer brew. Bless his heart.
LAST AND LEAST
3-The "type A" brewer
Although these "cleanliness is next to godliness" freaks make all of our clean, delish, perfectly fermented vinegar beer dreams come true. We kind of hate them. NO ONE can accomplish this much in one day. No one can have perfectly groomed kids, home and 3.5 rescue pets, and have this much energy. Is it their brand of brew that gives them the extra boost, or the Xanax they have every morning after they drop their uniformed offspring at their local liberal charter school? We'll never know. We encourage you to always head straight to their adorable booth at any and all farmers markets nation wide. (We know their there. They are EVERYWHERE). But while you are sampling and purchasing their uptight heard work, remember to pity them. One day they will unravel with the force of a thousand T-Rex, and their husband will forget to record it for their Youtube channel.
If you think we're think we're lying, try us. We DARE you to drink your bearded, cut off short wearing, shirtless friends brew. As for us, we'll stick with the slicked back pony tailed, severe, perfectly manicured,crying in the corner alone at some point in the day, A Type that we all love to hate.
Unless food poisoning is in your diet plan. If it is, let us know how that goes for you.
We're always interested and looking for new ways to be!
Write in! Or better yet, just donate some money to us on the button below!
What I really mean is, are you carrying protection? Protection from the judgey moms that will be littering your spiritual homeland with sideways glances and "hmm" looks that could really tear your family apart. You know what? If you aren't strong, they WILL do it, so I want to make sure you know the style of your brew so you can stand behind it.
"All the ways we can judge you based on your Scoby care- the new way to judge."
It come down to 3 basic groups.
1- The Abstainers
You will find this group of people voraciously defending all things organic, and judging the other women in their mommy group for not feeding their kids" grass fed everything". But, it would not be surprising to happen upon them in a dark corner of your local Taco Bell double fisting their feelings of inadequacy. They might preach the benefits of the booch, but it's all for show, and it's a trap. A social trap. Don't believe anything they say. Studies show, they are most likely a pathological liars. It's a scientific fact. Google it.
2- The unkempt masses.
This group of human is the laziest of the bunch, but they have the most "heart".(You'd think the Abstainers would be the laziest, but YOU are lazy for thinking that. THINK, MAN! )
These are the lovably unwashed, who would offer you a bottle of their home brew and you would instinctively freeze, mouth hanging, eyes wide, mind RACING. YOU KNOW THEIR KOMBUCHA TASTES LIKE HE LOOKS.
Odds are, their Scoby sits, unattended, for months on end, somehow surviving on what little "food" this filthy hippy gave it weeks ago. Probably using left over beer from who knows whose mouth instead of clean, pure, sanitary,glacial stream water, like you are supposed to. When he finally gets around to straining the water off of the "mother", he can't find his colander....and he'll never tell you what he used instead. The bottles he fills are left over from a party he had 2 months ago and there is a good chance there where cigarette butts haphazardly dumped out of them seconds before he refilled it.
Moral of this story is-He tries. He really does. But, we still won't drink his home made brand of bacteria ridden beer brew. Bless his heart.
LAST AND LEAST
3-The "type A" brewer
Although these "cleanliness is next to godliness" freaks make all of our clean, delish, perfectly fermented vinegar beer dreams come true. We kind of hate them. NO ONE can accomplish this much in one day. No one can have perfectly groomed kids, home and 3.5 rescue pets, and have this much energy. Is it their brand of brew that gives them the extra boost, or the Xanax they have every morning after they drop their uniformed offspring at their local liberal charter school? We'll never know. We encourage you to always head straight to their adorable booth at any and all farmers markets nation wide. (We know their there. They are EVERYWHERE). But while you are sampling and purchasing their uptight heard work, remember to pity them. One day they will unravel with the force of a thousand T-Rex, and their husband will forget to record it for their Youtube channel.
If you think we're think we're lying, try us. We DARE you to drink your bearded, cut off short wearing, shirtless friends brew. As for us, we'll stick with the slicked back pony tailed, severe, perfectly manicured,crying in the corner alone at some point in the day, A Type that we all love to hate.
Unless food poisoning is in your diet plan. If it is, let us know how that goes for you.
We're always interested and looking for new ways to be!
Write in! Or better yet, just donate some money to us on the button below!
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