I read your letter today, submitter... and I have to say that I was incredibly touched with how far away you made your mom sound. Myself? I have a great mom, 2 grandmas that are still alive and nearing the upper 90s, and plenty of other female presences in my life that make me feel OK to go on. I can only feel what you're going through, and that's why instead of giving you some advice on this Q&A column, I'm going to take this time to discuss something that people would probably rather hear about anyway...

Kombucha. 

It's a really nice drink to drink and it has health things that it gives you, if you are OPEN to that kind of thing. 

If you're like me, it's really difficult to navigate through the sexual tension in life in hopes to land yourself in a situation where you're being "taken care of". With kombucha, this dilemma becomes more of a dilbert cartoon, and less of a horror film you're pretending you're not afraid of viewing with acquaintances. 

Let me explain... it hasn't always been this way. You see, kombucha used to be the little brother of vinegar, and nobody liked him. He rarely got asked on dates and he didn't even go to prom. 

But here's the silver lining. In recent years, studies show that 7/10 super hot and respectable celebraties have HEARD of kombucha and even more of them have discussed hearing about it and still not having TRIED it yet. There's proof that what you're drinking is still mysterious and exciting. 

Celebrities are sexy, so if you read the short paragraph right above this, then you will know that some celebrities have actually TRIED Kombucha for themselves. Think about what amazing lives they must lead, and how much amazing sex they must encounter. Remember all of your partners should be kombucha drinkers too, otherwise the PH of your bodies may mesh and it could end up being dangerous. Please, please be careful everybody.

If you're not sure how people will respond to you incessantly talking about your Kombucha cultures and you're at your wits end trying to figure out how to make a PLUG for your tiny little SCO-BABIES, ...welp... here it is!

In this article, not only will you learn how to dismiss other people's perceived disdain for you in conversations.. you will ALSO get access to a COMPLETE HI-DEF picture of what someone took of Kombucha when they were in the process of making it that the posted online. 

Well, my friends, you're welcome. It is now here, and it is now clear for you to see. Legalities and litigationy situations just melt away when you've got a cool, fizzy brew just waiting to slide in your mouth. 

So you're pregnant. Is everything ok? 

If you need a solidly nutritious, delicious drink to help you through this "not-just-a-scare-this-time" moment, look no further!

Kombucha has helped Kathy Lee Gifford, Sally Fields, and Gwyneth Paltrow's mom to all have completely alternative, natural child birthing experiences.

Some of the doctors in the delivery room explained Paltrow's heroism as "It wasn't necessary... she was already getting most of the nutrients she needed from food or prescribed supplements that she chose on her own volition not to take. I have no part in this and please don't use my name."

If you're feeling self conscious about the body you're cruising around in, chances are, you could do MORE to help yourself and help others to feel you're sexy. I have a simple, magic bullet answer that you need to know about. And I know what I'm talking about. 

Kombucha. 

It will single-handedly split all of your fat cells in half with the anti-oxidant qualities peppered within this effervescent beverage. 

​CALL TO ACTION

First, you have to know how to do this. Second, just get better at it. Third, you've mastered it.