1. Bill has cut Kathy off completely and tells your dad he wants nothing to do with her, and that she can just keep the generator and the camping stove.

2. Your dad starts dressing like Kathy to fill the gaping hole in Bill's double-breasted business suit.

3. All of Bill's kids start coming over to tell you that Bill is really tired of being tied down and overwhelmed.

4. You've tapped Kathy's cell phone and she tells Bill's voicemail that she'll be by later to pick up a few things and that she hopes that's ok and that he's taking care of himself. 

5. Bill starts shopping around for houseboats.

6. Bill's petty cash on hand is dwindling.

7. Kathy starts researching crop circles and tells the kids to find their own ride if their father can't make it. 

8. Bill can be heard quarreling with another of his lawyer friends who is representing Kathy about "what's NEXT!?"

9. Bill starts keeping a dream journal, just to kind of reflect. 

10. Bill has been reduced into a pile of transmission fluid.

If you were to just show up at one of Bill's gigs... it will be fine probably because you can garnish the opportunity with some really cleansing, anti-inflammatory and relaxing resting poses out on the dance floor. He'll be really impressed that in all of that noise and chaos, you can lie perfectly still and soak up all of the powerful, universal knowledge that Bill had before he took the bar.

Bill is pretty amazing, and smart.  

If you're wondering whether or not your dad and Bill will stay BFFs forever now, you're about to find out. YES! Their friendship is chock-full of respect and years of fun times and inside jokes that only they'll ever understand and conceal from the rest of the group with cute sideways Drew-Barrymore smiles.

They'll probably have some cookouts in the near future and really smoke up the backyard... But you don't need to completely disappear from Bill's periphery, or his secret thoughts. 

You see, Bill is a pretty complex guy and he can handle having more than litigation-based ideas in a day. But I'd be careful, because he's a real shark and I wouldn't want to get stuck in a tank with him. 

Ok, kids, it's that time of the year. You're going to be so hungry for this cleanse and may fall ill. Whatever you do, don't call your primary care physician to see if it's a good idea or look at other articles about cleanses like this. 

Ready to commit to your new beach bod?! It's going to be better than the one your dad's friend Bill discarded so he could spend more time with his garage.

The thing you'll have to just keep repeating in your head is that you don't even CARE about Bill that much. Sure, he's got a great health insurance plan, and he doesn't even really need a dentist because he prays for good teeth. 

Bill was kind of a ceiling fan type of guy anyway. Just kind of spinning usually and collecting dust. He was easy to turn on or shut off, and sometimes you didn't even need him like during the winter solstice when it was cool enough to prop yourself up on one of your strongest arms and just think about other stuff than Bill. 

Let's forget about Bill. 

Everybody tells little white lies, even the old, the rich and the people who know who David Icke is. But here's ONE way you can combat those disgraceful pockets of deception AND beat the summer heat. 

1. Section your hair into 5 segments and pin all but one to the back of your reptilian skull where it connects to the grafted tissue. (Be careful if your hair is wicked thin or you have a sensitive scalp!)

2. Find a 1-inch barrel curling iron and turn it on while you let your kombucha starter kit sit in a cold, dark shelf out of sight. 

3. Look at yourself in the mirror and squint your eyes just enough for about 10 minutes until you see David Icke in a youtube video. 

4. Feel his words and ideas wrastle with your debatable intellect and curl the section of hair closest to your widow's peak. Let it drape it around a couple of your most agile, available fingers and hold it in a coil until it cools. 

5. Listen to your inner compass and really feel what it's like to be told things by David Icke. 

6. Swipe both of your eyelids with a little painters tape until you feel like it's probably good enough.

7. Pull the curled section taut and then let it drape in front of your eyes. Blur your vision until David Icke looks more like your dad's best friend, Bill. 

8. Give Bill a call and see if he knows more about your dad than you do. 

9. Curl all other 4 sections and then take a selfie for Bill. Hashtag it #forBill so he knows you are interested in an apprenticeship at his law firm.

10. Give your entire body a quick spray with Garnier's StayStrong Everest HairSpritz, for Men

11. Listen to your intuition and then just see if Bill can give you a ride.

Thanks for writing, KoolRunner76. First off, you're cute, but "comboocha" isn't a thing. It's "KOMBUCHA". Kohm-Boo-CHUH

To tell you the truth, there are many things YOU can do on your own that will make you be less pathetic. It starts with your mind.

Are you restless, waiting for the clock to tick? For the phone to ring? Kombucha would have no effect on that kind of anxiety. Try something else, and quick. See our disclaimer at the bottom of this page. We have no liability in this. 

Is your mouth rearing, searing, ready to grab hold of a delicious, vinegary drink, fed straight into it from a cold, glass bottle positioned by one of your best hands? You might have something here...

On the other driving hand, if you think about the cadences in your mind as a Fantasia interlude waiting for the next sonata, a career in Kombucha could be for you! Let us know if you want to contribute!

If you haven't yet... you really need to go through the 6 stages of grief to ensure your future batches won't carry on this negative energy.

1. Throw it Out
It's probably becoming a health hazard up on your fridge. Even though you have a paper towel over it, you're probably still breathing in the teensy little black mold spores propagating in that thing. Get it outta there. 

2. Throw it in the ACTUAL trash
It's easy enough to put the jars out on your porch or a side street that nobody ever really sees you on, and your friends don't even smoke out there that much. Just put it in the trash can or better yet, a dumpster that is sure to be tended to. 

3. Create a Better Bucketlist
Obviously, your kombucha isn't what's going to propel you to the "next level". Get in tune! Check in with yourself and realize what is actually possible for you. And then write it down in a journal that you won't lose like all of that sweet bacteria on its way to the dump.

4. Find a Friend to Tell About It
​Nobody likes hearing about kombucha failures more than new friends you haven't set clear boundaries with yet. Reach out! Text one of the people you'd like to know better with your phone, and ask them if they'd like to go out for a dinner, on you! They'll be glad to get out of their zone and check out the foundation of your relationship. Once you're sitting down, segway into it after the waiter brings your beverages with something smooth like, "This tap water tastes like total shit. I wish it was kombucha." That'll be a good way for you guys to get started on your journey together. 

5. Test the Seams of Your Budding Friendship by getting pretty upset that they didn't get a joke you made about "the dude". Within the minutes following, let them know that everything is ok by responding with "it's fine" while you look downtrodden toward the linoleum and shuffle around a bit. Confuse them, and see  what happens. Could be fun!

6. Rescue Several Pets
Everyone knows that animals are great at figuring out if a storm is coming, and there's a real hurricane in your future if you don't get over this whole thing and get back on the horse... and give your good hand another college try at it.

Good luck with the animals!

It depends on the fervor of their digestive system.
You can take our Really Well Thought Out QUIZ to find out if your kid's GI tract is strong enough to take this year's KombuchaKlenz2016.

Stay KombuchaKleen Everyone!

The easiest thing you can do to really fuck up your kombucha brew is to not allow it to truly ferment in a way that will taste good to you and make you feel incredibly sick. 

Less is More 
Don't take your kombucha on nature hikes with you. It's better left in a dark cabinet or on top of your fridge, with a cover over it that has rubber bands holding it in place to keep the flies out. Taking it on a hike will just invite chaos for the scoby to have to deal with. Please don't do it. 

Double Double Toil & Trouble
​The second ferment will render a much more palatable drink for you, your SO and your adorable kids. Put some fruit in a hand basket, rummage that mix around with your good driving hand for a 30-45 seconds and then put it inside the mouth of your second-ferment kombucha jar. Let it sit for 3 days in a cool, dark place.

​When it comes to be harvest time, make your hubby open the jar. After all, his hands are more calloused than yours are and if the thing shatters, it's his AH on the line. 

Thanks for asking, AphidKiller5698. 
The honest answer? No.
 
Because Kombucha is just a drink, it will not effect your spectral or intensity range, or your ability to see in low light conditions. 

Drinking a perfect double-fermented ginger/acai brew will not create a thriving environment where your tapetum lucidum can allow you to see things in the dark, because you don't have that going for you. Perhaps science will evolve further soon and this can empower us all in the future... (if you have your finger on that pulse, let us know - we're all baited breath here!)

But look, before you get depressed and lethargic, just think about all of the wonderful things you can see in the daytime. 
Trees, kids, flying bugs, kombucha starter kits (on sale now!), your buzzfeed feed. These are all things to be grateful for, and don't we all need a little something to appreciate now and then? 

- Dr Ross Pinion, CDMT, EBTA, CLS, RGT
"There's no greater loss than to lose something you thought you would remember to look for."

Today we're going to tackle one of our most frequently asked questions.

We're tired of seeing your emails flood in asking this questions, and don't want to feel a bit bad anymore when we have our KombuchaKleaner team mass delete all of our incoming mail.

​So... let's get to it, shall we? 

The answer is a resounding... YES.

​Are your face pores enormous? Do others become disengaged in KOMversation because they just can't stop looking at these KOMbersume kavities? 

I have a solution for you!

Once your face starts to go south due to the mounting stress of your upcoming expiration date, coupled with bad hygiene habits, you'll need this – trust me! 

1. Peel off the top layer of slimy scoby off the living, breathing organism that keeps the gallon jar atop your fridge blissed out and keeps your taste-buds somewhat satisfied (unless you do it wrong or hate drinking vinegar's more popular little sister.)

2. Cut holes for your mouth and nose to go into – so you can breathe.

3. Put it on your face until you start hyperventilating, til the phone rings or you have to get on a Skype video chat, or until you feel like the first few layers of your skin have effectively been burned off by this acidic, magnificent vessel of Better Beauty™. 

Image plagiarized from kvorganics.com 

​​This could be you any minute if you've already got a brew going! If you don't, go ahead and start your brew and you will be ready for this in about 14-20 days. 

IMPORTANT: If you don't have a layer of scoby that can cover your entire face, you either need to find a wider mouthed jar, or just find a doctor that can help smooth out and soften the jagged lines of your face... You know what... better yet, find a doctor that can help reshape your skull completely, to the shape of a circle that will conform completely to the shape of your scoby. (Most people use a wide-mouth gallon jar like shown below. Put your good driving hand to use and measure your jar twice, then get this procedure done only once.)  

DIEHARD
If you answer "yes" to more than 3 of these examples, we applaud you. We also suggest that you broaden your horizons and find a few more hobbies, cause odds are, you are a shut in.
    ⁃    you have more than 3 "mothers" brewing at all times for your own personal stash
    ⁃    You have really worked hard over the years to establish the perfect style, taste and "mouth feel" to your home brew.
    ⁃    You have bathed in an entire bathtub full of kombucha
    ⁃    You longingly sing to your Scoby while crying as part of your bed time routine 
    ⁃    You consider yourself common law married to multiple scoby's and sometimes you feel guilty for not spending enough time with your Scoby children

POSER
If you answer "yes" to any of these, you are legally obligated   to donate  5$ to our cause for each "yes"
-You try to have at least a few bottle of kombu in the Mini fridge of your tiny house in the woods for your friends that might stop by for the drum circle, but you never drink it alone.
 - when you run into your friend at your local Co-op market you offer to grab a couple for you to sip on in the peace garden while the 2 of you catch up....but the whole time your insides are screaming. You secretly abhor the stuff, but you would never want Moonrise to know. She wishes she DID know so you both could stop this whole charade. 
-you have a curled, handlebar mustache
-You always tell people you will try brewing your own when you have your "life more figured out". Right now you just want to be more spontaneous than a Scoby allows.
-The thought of drinking a cool,fizzy, vinegary, thick, cloudy, strong smelling, slightly gritty, sludge bottomed, seems based on a dare, glass bottle of brew makes you feel dead inside.(like you really must be.)
We hope this quiz has been eye opening. The purpose was to be a mirror for your introspection. Mainly, we really think you need to get your priorities straight, bro.

~MOMplestiltskin2045

Listen, I know this may come across as pretentious, it is. You'd be surprised by how much you can tell about a person by checking out their "surfing Shroom". 
What I really mean is, are you carrying protection? Protection from the judgey moms that will be littering your spiritual homeland with sideways glances and "hmm" looks that could really tear your family apart. You know what? If you aren't strong, they WILL do it, so I want to make sure you know the style of your brew so you can stand behind it.
"All the ways we can judge you based on your Scoby care- the new way to judge."
It come down to 3 basic groups.
1- The Abstainers
You will find this group of people voraciously defending all things organic, and judging the other women in their mommy group for not feeding their kids" grass fed everything". But, it would not be surprising to happen upon them in a dark corner of your local Taco Bell double fisting their feelings of inadequacy. They might preach the benefits of the booch, but it's all for show, and it's a trap. A social trap. Don't believe anything they say. Studies show, they are most likely a pathological liars. It's a scientific fact. Google it.
2- The unkempt masses.
This group of human is the laziest of the bunch, but they have the most "heart".(You'd think the Abstainers would be the laziest, but YOU are lazy for thinking that. THINK, MAN! )
These are the lovably unwashed, who would offer you a bottle of their home brew and you would instinctively freeze, mouth hanging, eyes wide, mind RACING. YOU KNOW THEIR KOMBUCHA TASTES LIKE HE LOOKS. 
Odds are, their Scoby sits, unattended, for months on end, somehow surviving on what little "food" this filthy hippy gave it weeks ago. Probably using left over beer from who knows whose mouth instead of clean, pure, sanitary,glacial stream water, like you are supposed to. When he finally gets around to straining the water off of the "mother", he can't find his colander....and he'll never tell you what he used instead. The bottles he fills are left over from a party he had 2 months ago and there is a good chance there where cigarette butts haphazardly dumped out of them seconds before he refilled it. 
Moral of this story is-He tries. He really does. But, we still won't drink his home made brand of bacteria ridden beer brew. Bless his heart. 
LAST AND LEAST
3-The "type A" brewer
Although these "cleanliness is next to godliness" freaks make all of our clean, delish, perfectly fermented vinegar beer dreams come true. We kind of hate them. NO ONE can accomplish this much in one day. No one can have perfectly groomed kids, home and 3.5 rescue pets, and have this much energy. Is it their brand of brew that gives them the extra boost, or the Xanax they have every morning after they drop their uniformed offspring at their local liberal charter school? We'll never know. We encourage you to always head straight to their adorable booth at any and all farmers markets nation wide. (We know their there. They are EVERYWHERE). But while you are sampling and purchasing their uptight heard work, remember to pity them. One day they will unravel with the force of a thousand T-Rex, and their husband will forget to record it for their Youtube channel. 
If you think we're think we're lying, try us. We DARE you to drink your bearded, cut off short wearing, shirtless friends brew. As for us, we'll stick with the slicked back pony tailed, severe, perfectly manicured,crying in the corner alone at some point in the day, A Type that we all love to hate. 
Unless food poisoning is in your diet plan. If it is, let us know how that goes for you. 
We're always interested and looking for new ways to be!

Write in! Or better yet, just donate some money to us on the button below!

There's nothing more obnoxious than being one of "THOSE PEOPLE" that just won't shut up about how their life is without the luxurious thrill of kombucha running down the throat. 
Honestly? 
I'm done. 
I think I honestly need to cut those people out of my life. Enough is enough.

Thanks for your letter, Jeremy. I think I have an answer for you, but it's not going to be one you'll have not expected...
Kombucha is a normal drink. Everyone can drink it and it doesn't actually get you high at all. So this ensures that you can carry on with your normal activities and get high with your kids as planned... I think you're jet set, Jer!

Chances are, if you're not currently in a sexual relationship, it's just not going to happen again. 

Look, I know that sounds harsh. And I know that many of our millions of readers will feel snubbed by that because they don't know how to get it, but I need to be honest.

Do you think I would be able to dedicate this much time and energy to a site like this without having a clear-cut sexual route laid ahead of me? NO. If I didn't, things would be a lot harder... 

What I really want to express to you here though is that your sexual inadequacy is NOT necessarily your fault. Your parents were probably not setting you up for success in sex. Shame on them. It's really sad to me that this even still happens... c'est la vie. 

At this point, all I can tell you is that the kombucha you're drinking is probably a lot more interesting than you think.. give it a shot. And just... just see where it goes.

- Monica Calmgrab, CCDT, SPTY, CEP
Director of Timeshare SalesForces Nationwide, SexTherapist, SXBP
"It's easier to be seen and heard than try to be seen and not heard."

This is an article that's probably a long time a-comin', since earlier today when we actually started posting content to this site.

What you need to understand is that if you have never had kombucha before, it's OK. I mean, it is a little weird that you've probably had plenty of opportunities to dip your driving hand in there and sop up the goodness, but I digress....

This article is here for YOU...
Are you one of those Sovereign Sallies? Or maybe... an Autonomous Adrian?

Whether you're the man or the woman version of the Booch virgin I mentioned above, it doesn't matter to me. I honestly don't give a rat about it and will most likely never see you in a crowd, slugging a cool, risky culture-fest down your gullet. It actually feels a lot safer for me to maintain autonomous considering the success this site has had. It honestly could be very dangerous for me if I even go out there. 

I hope we can all think about safety this weekend. 

Cheers!

- BubbleBitch2000

Everybody at some point feels like they're worth a piece of bird shit. It's no secret to me, and neither should it be to you. If it is, you're probably not doing something right, and we should probably put your dreams on hold and call someone in your family to have an intervention.

See, it's easy to get ourselves down and out. Sometimes we might even crave the attention we get from having people fawn all over us, call us about our mounting debt or drug addiction, or hound us for the money we haven't been able to... ugh... "pay them back" because we're still working on ourselves, and can't they just GET IT?

Nothing is more important than your health. Nothing. Please don't call those people back. They just want something, and ultimately? They don't have your best interest at heart. But... you know what does??? 

Kombucha. It's heart-healthy and chock-full of antioxidants meant to arm you with the tools you need in order to beat annoying family members or friends down when they bring up sensitive subjects. 

You'll be such a better person for this. All it takes is one sip a day.

​Stay inspired, everybody!

The hardest part of your long term kombucha goals is convincing yourself that you actually care. Don't start thinking about that now. That'll make MY job more difficult, and in the end.. less enjoyable for ME.

Once the initial excitement wears off, and after you have made the first few batches you couldn't bear to drink – you'll know when it's gotten past its expiration date and you've failed.

HELPFUL FREE TIP: We recommend setting it in a warm dark spot....and only looking at it in fleeting, guilt filled moments. At least once a month you will need to promise yourself that "tomorrow " is the day you will tend to it. 

Eventually your Scoby will have so many babies that you will realize they deserve a better home. Your friends and neighbors will all appreciate the gift of one of your old, neglected scobies to give their hopeful lust for cheaper booch a jump start and enter their cycle of excitement and regret with. 

It's the circle of life. Scoby life. Get in it or get around it somehow. 

Many of our subscribers find it easy to fall in line with all of the principles we encourage and/or demand on this site, for YOUR success!

But sometimes, our tribe finds it hard to "follow the leader" and that's why we've developed a revolutionary new tool to gain a group that listens, obeys and is EMPOWERED while doing it.

You're so lucky to have become a part of this close-knit community because, tell you what, there's no other like it. I can say that in from not only a speculative vantage point... I can say that as a FRIEND that is looking to get YOU to subscribe so you can get even MORE of the content we have already delivered to you here.

It's EASY. All you have to do is give us some money and we will deliver you more and more of the incredibly valuable content you've already seen here, time and time again. 

Our Iron Clad Promise of Truth and Delivering 
It's no secret that you're probably chomping at the bit for more from us and we aim to deliver. It'll be hard to meet your "fantasy version" of us because we just met and we haven't really gotten to that point yet, but... we will do our best to make sure your login information doesn't change. After all, what are we doing here after all? 

After recent events in the media, I feel that I need to bring this subject to light. Kombucha is combustible. Yes believe it. This good for you drink needs to be taken seriously. 

PLEASE PLEASE be careful with your Kombucha. Do not shake it, leave it in your car, put it in your pocket, mail it to a friend, or drive with it in your trunk. And most of all do NOT ride a bicycle with Kombucha aboard. 

Be kind to the Kombucha and put it in a cool dark place, like a refrigerator or a cave. 

Remember safety first, only handle Kombucha just prior to drinking.

I remember when I first started drinking the stuff. It was cultured in barrels back then. The barrels were basically carrying our lifeblood. I'll never forget the first time I dipped a cupped hand into one of those barrels and brought back out what was at that moment, the only thing I would ever truly want... 

Sure, I'd dabbled with ideas... Women, finances, education, real estate, other fermented beverages.... 

But honestly, it wasn't until the acidic nature of that liquid started to eat at away at the flesh on my driving hand that I realized I had something. Something... Good.  

Then later that week I noticed there was a mark on my lower left thigh. I'd never looked at that part of my body before, so of course I was overcome with disillusionment. Things had changed, and I had changed because of it I suppose. 

My driving hand found itself making a path down my side... found its way to the place I mentioned previously... it was covered in foreign marks, bumps... caves and chasms. I drew back with a loud inward breath. It wasn't something I could fully process, so I stopped getting all of my information about health on blogs and went to a doctor to get myself checked out.

Are you even aware of what Kombucha is? If you have opted in to our opt-in then you are getting our newsletters on this very topic! IF you haven't opted in then you probably, wait not probably you SHOULD do it NOW!!11!!11!

So what is bacteria? Well, let us tell you how these microscopic organism are changing things up in your gut. Those who have been drinking Kombucha for years can attest to this TRUE fact! Bacteria makes all the difference in this fermented drink. A difference you can FEEL! You have been consuming this drink, but do you even know why?? 

The why is simple, it's the bacteria!!!